When I proclaim that we need a return to civility, what comes to mind for you? Is it that we need a rally for kindness and good manners? Or, that cellphones and technology have eroded how people behave in society now? Perhaps, it musters up reactions to the circus of world events that unfolds on a daily basis? We all feel it!
Having said that, I’ve had conflicting reactions to the state of affairs out there but maybe not in the way you may think. Of course, I’m untethered by global happenings but I am also unsettled by the backlash of uncivil reaction. Equally dismayed by actions and reactions. My mom’s voice rumbles through my brain: “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” Granted, that is far too simplified when we consider the suffering that is and will continue to take place but still, we have lost all sense of civility.
And I’m not alone in feeling the impact of incivility. There is proof that people believe that this is a very real problem in society. In fact, a 2019 poll by Weber Shandwick showed that an astounding 93% of Americans identify a civility problem in society, with most classifying it as a ‘major’ problem (68%). Eight in 10 Americans (84%) identify serious ramifications of incivility, including cyberbullying (89%), harassment, violence and hate crimes (88%), intimidation and threats, intolerance, and people feeling less safe in public places (87%).
And of course, pause here to realize that poll was from 2019, prior to the pandemic and certainly, preceding the current political shenanigans.
Opting Out & Muting the Rhetoric
It’s no wonder that there are a deluge of people deleting apps, limiting their consumption of news, and generally disengaging from information overwhelm. And while people may not identify incivility as the reason, it could very well be the root cause.
I’ve been one of those people that has created (and used) a digital detox, as well as very carefully curated the sources that I access to keep up to date. For me, the criteria are clear: that it is fact-based, from a reliable source and the delivery is civil. I have spent time managing my news feeds and ‘snoozing’ some of my contacts for 30 days on Facebook. Anyone name calling and using a cut and paste approach to sharing ‘news’ is gone. For me, that means I have chosen civility. And, before people confuse civility as complacency, don’t.
Krista Tippett, author and host of the ‘On Being’ podcast said it best: “We’re muting our news feeds because the stories they tell are not just informing us but shaping us, taking hold of our minds and hearts and nervous systems and limiting or galvanizing forces of hope and despair, groundedness and action.”
Further, Tippett says that muting the rhetoric, “may be an essential tool for sanity, and a key to discerning and sustaining a sense of agency for the time ahead.”
What Exactly is Civility?
Civility is perhaps not the first word that pops up in today’s vernacular as it could certainly be considered an ‘old school’ word. In fact, it was used in a rule book, 110 Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation composed by French Jesuits in 1595. The first rule is: “Every action done in company, ought to be with some sign of respect, to those that are present.” The mention of respect emphasizes its place as an ensuring moral value in society and important component of civility.
According to Webster’s Dictionary, the definition of civility is “formal politeness and courtesy in behavior or speech.” To expand on that, civility is an act of showing regard and respect for others including politeness, consideration, tact, good manners, graciousness, cordiality, affability, amiability, and courteousness. Ultimately, civility is treating others as we would like to be treated.
Steven Mintz, a Profession from Cal Poly State University and leading expert on ethics, states that:
“Civility is about disagreeing without disrespecting, seeking common ground as a starting point for dialogue about differences, listening past one’s preconceptions, and teaching others to do the same.”
Indeed, civility represents a long tradition of moral virtues essential to democracy. Virtues like empathy, humility, integrity, honesty, and respect for others are ideals of democratic engagement.
Instead, people are reacting to the incivility with equal doses of incivility. Whether it is through name calling or derogatory comments about someone’s appearance – or, booing national anthems and criticizing people’s choices of almost everything – uncivil behavior has apparently become a two-sided street. Further, we criticize people for not voting and then we criticize when they vote for someone other than who we voted for. We cavalierly throw out words like stupid and dumb.
We Need a Return to Civility – but HOW?
It will not be enough for us to simply be more understanding, respectful, and tolerant of one another – though that would certainly help. We will need to constructively address a lot of tough issues so that we can coexist and tolerate one another in spite of deeply-held differences. This necessitates a civil approach to conflict resolution rather than the continuation of destructive and sometimes even violent confrontations.
Tomas Spath and Cassandra Dahnke, writing for the Institute for Civility in Government, characterize civility as “claiming and caring for one’s identity, needs, and beliefs without degrading someone else’s in the process.” This is a useful characterization because it links actions that benefit ourselves with treating others respectfully.
Writing for Psychology Today online, Thomas Plante, a clinical psychiatrist and behavioral scientist, provides helpful ideas on how to be more civil:
- Think before speaking.
- Focus on facts rather than beliefs and opinions.
- Focus on common good rather than individual agendas.
- Disagree with others respectfully.
- Maintain an openness to others without hostility.
- Be respectful of diverse views and groups.
- Embody a spirit of collegiality.
- Offer productive and corrective feedback to those who behave in demeaning, insulting, disrespectful, and discriminatory ways.
Why Is a Need to Return to Civility So Important?
Of course, that’s no easy task when there is so much at risk. But, a return to civility is important because we need healing.
Krista Tippett says, “The American (and global) political drama is a symptom of pain and fear, of uprooting magnitudes of change, of dreams and hopes shattered and betrayed, and alienation from each other and ourselves.”
And, here’s the rub. Healing starts from within and only YOU can control YOU!
Bestselling author and podcast host, Mel Robbins just released what is the #1 best-selling book in the world titled, ‘The Let Them Theory’. She shares a groundbreaking approach to reclaiming your life by focusing on what you can control and releasing what you can’t.
The basic premise is encapsulated in two theories: Let Them and Let Me. First, that we cannot control those around us, or the world at large so – Let Them. Next, you can only control what you say, think, or do in response and that’s where your true power is – Let Me.
To be clear, that’s not to say that we shouldn’t stand up for what is right. But, it is the manner in which we do so that has the greatest impact. For me, if someone rants and name calls amidst the point they are trying to make – it loses meaning and I shut down. On the other hand, if a position is taken in a logical manner with clear and calm explanation – it sticks with me. Even if I don’t agree, I have very likely learned something in the process.
Admittedly, I’ve been both: the ranter and the calmer voice of reason. I know from experience that others respond positively to that calmness and perhaps most importantly, I feel understood when I deliver my message in that way. We can agree to disagree and move on.
Civility Should Be Your First Thought and Choice of Action
Certainly, the need for peace, purpose and action as a force for justice isn’t new. However, what happens now is that the barrage of ‘breaking news’ and social media is a continual megaphone that hijacks both our attention and our emotions. It festers fear and anger often placing civility as an afterthought. But as Ty Howard said:
“To choose civility should never be an afterthought, it should be your first thought and choice of action.”
With that, perhaps we foster the opportunity to create spaces where we honor the meaningful and important differences between us. Krista Tippett beautifully claims that we can “insist that what divides us now does not have to define what might be possible between us.”
On her My Legacy podcast, Arndrea Waters King said:
“The civil rights movement taught that responding with love and dignity, even in the face of injustice, is not surrender – it is strength.”
Back to ‘The Let Them Theory’ – this approach echoes that legacy, reminding us that we always have the power what energy we feed, what battles we fight, and how we create change.
So, What Will You Do?
We live in a distressing time. Our attention is seized by forces that amplify the ugliest sides of humanity. Political discourse is reduced to memes. Quality journalism is corroded and gets no support. Artificial intelligence churns out careless slop and destroys creativity and originality. Our ideologies threaten each other. We are inflexible, judgmental and often cruel. What’s worse is that we no longer reflect or value what makes our shared time on this planet so special – our connection, our freedom, our differences, our opinions, our choices.
Again, it’s important not to confuse civility for complacency. I’m not complacent. I care deeply. And, you can and should care deeply. It’s okay to disagree with someone but as Arlene Dickinson recently posted, “You can’t reduce someone’s character or intelligence to how they vote or what party they support. This isn’t just about politics. It’s about what kind of society we are becoming. Civil discourse isn’t weakness. It’s the foundation of a functional democracy. When we lose respect for each other, we lose the ability to fix what’s broken.”
Let that sink in a moment. Civil discourse isn’t weakness. It’s the foundation of a functional democracy. Civil discourse is the practice of deliberating about matters of public concern in a way that seeks to expand knowledge and promote understanding. At the end of the day, you can still disagree but what’s most important, is to accept a person’s right to believe what they believe.
For me, I will continue to resource reliable sources of information. I will turn it all off and escape to nature just to remind myself that the world is still beautiful. I will continue to be civil to people. I will seek out Canadian products to support my country. I will not boo any country’s national anthem. I will not judge the choices that the American people make, even – no, especially – when I don’t understand. I will make an effort to understand and failing that, will make peace with their right to choose. I will ‘Let Them’ and in turn, ‘Let Me’ so as to hold true to my values and embrace what I can do to make a difference.
I’ll finish with one more of Steven Mintz’s powerful quotes:
“The pattern of a person’s judgments made spontaneously under pressure is the best sign of a person’s moral compass”
I would love to know if this resonates with you and what you believe we need to return to civility.